The Fine Game of Nil

I enjoy the idea so much of including images and video alongside otherwise meaningless personal observations that I want to continue doing it. I think it's a great idea to do this with no real rhyme or reason, but to mostly just share whatever ephemera happens to be floating around me at the moment as I'm composing a post.

I introduced my significant other in the previous post in a really misanthropic way, although I guess it wasn't "overly curated," which sucks, because then it would be this great continuation of what I was saying earlier. But I guess what I mean to say is that this is probably not an accurate, well-rounded depiction of our relationship, it's more like me feeling weird and getting upset. Saying that feels like someone is punching me in the stomach and laughing at me, though, probably because it kind of makes me feel like I'm just not allowed to feel uncomfortable or bad about anything. A lot of what I feel comes down to feeling disallowed from feeling terrible, so I just feel bad all the time as a way of asserting my right not to approve of everything.

This is already becoming nebulous. I'm trying to sort of solve that problem by just calling attention to why it's so nebulous instead of just not being nebulous.

The sad thing is that nobody would probably read this even if I showed it to them. I have this fantasy of creating work that Jimmy is just enthralled with on a personal level unconnected to his relationship with me as a human being. We met under odd circumstances that I guess make it more tantalizing to me, but honestly getting into all that just makes me feel tired, which is what I was aiming for anyway.

I guess I just hate loving things a lot because I'm a baby and it feels like crap to know someone else can hurt you so easily and probably will sometimes if they're having a bad day or whatever.

My Pet Monster

No time like the present to begin a new blog at 12:43 in the morning because you can't go to sleep.

Recently my computer got rebooted, if that's the right thing you call it, and pretty much all my programs were erased and all of my documents got moved to an external drive, so now I have a fresh hard drive, and I keep telling myself I should start a new Word document to replace "yetanother.doc," but instead I decided I should just start a blog.

Starting a blog is something I guess I typically do in times of crisis. The last time I started a blog it turned into this really willfully misanthropic and painstakingly over-curated pile of garbage. Achieving some kind of ideal, delicate balance between crafting a train of thought into something you want it to be and letting things happen more freely and form their own shames is kind of a central challenge of any creative project, I guess. I'm not planning to actually show this one to anybody, which is part of the mistake I made before. I have a blog intended for public consumption already, which I never update.

The truth is I am probably not a "writer" really, I just have always written because it's like a game where you can pretend that someone is listening to you and cares what you have to say, and then by accident sometimes the things I posted on the Internet would actually attract people who responded in some way to my feelings. This is also why everybody loves social media. Something feels more real about composing something and making it into a public display and then receiving feedback.

Actually it was Jimmy who pointed out to me how negative and boring my journal was that I showed him before. He's always on me for being negative. He's also on me all the time for being "mad at him," so I guess it evens out since clearly we're both being shitty. Or maybe it's just me. When you get to a point in a relationship where the other person is telling you that you're constantly negative and always mad at them, you're going to lose that person eventually anyway.

Honesty is terrible. It destroys everything.