Recently my computer got rebooted, if that's the right thing you call it, and pretty much all my programs were erased and all of my documents got moved to an external drive, so now I have a fresh hard drive, and I keep telling myself I should start a new Word document to replace "yetanother.doc," but instead I decided I should just start a blog.
Starting a blog is something I guess I typically do in times of crisis. The last time I started a blog it turned into this really willfully misanthropic and painstakingly over-curated pile of garbage. Achieving some kind of ideal, delicate balance between crafting a train of thought into something you want it to be and letting things happen more freely and form their own shames is kind of a central challenge of any creative project, I guess. I'm not planning to actually show this one to anybody, which is part of the mistake I made before. I have a blog intended for public consumption already, which I never update.
The truth is I am probably not a "writer" really, I just have always written because it's like a game where you can pretend that someone is listening to you and cares what you have to say, and then by accident sometimes the things I posted on the Internet would actually attract people who responded in some way to my feelings. This is also why everybody loves social media. Something feels more real about composing something and making it into a public display and then receiving feedback.
Actually it was Jimmy who pointed out to me how negative and boring my journal was that I showed him before. He's always on me for being negative. He's also on me all the time for being "mad at him," so I guess it evens out since clearly we're both being shitty. Or maybe it's just me. When you get to a point in a relationship where the other person is telling you that you're constantly negative and always mad at them, you're going to lose that person eventually anyway.
Honesty is terrible. It destroys everything.
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