The Fine Game of Nil

I enjoy the idea so much of including images and video alongside otherwise meaningless personal observations that I want to continue doing it. I think it's a great idea to do this with no real rhyme or reason, but to mostly just share whatever ephemera happens to be floating around me at the moment as I'm composing a post.

I introduced my significant other in the previous post in a really misanthropic way, although I guess it wasn't "overly curated," which sucks, because then it would be this great continuation of what I was saying earlier. But I guess what I mean to say is that this is probably not an accurate, well-rounded depiction of our relationship, it's more like me feeling weird and getting upset. Saying that feels like someone is punching me in the stomach and laughing at me, though, probably because it kind of makes me feel like I'm just not allowed to feel uncomfortable or bad about anything. A lot of what I feel comes down to feeling disallowed from feeling terrible, so I just feel bad all the time as a way of asserting my right not to approve of everything.

This is already becoming nebulous. I'm trying to sort of solve that problem by just calling attention to why it's so nebulous instead of just not being nebulous.

The sad thing is that nobody would probably read this even if I showed it to them. I have this fantasy of creating work that Jimmy is just enthralled with on a personal level unconnected to his relationship with me as a human being. We met under odd circumstances that I guess make it more tantalizing to me, but honestly getting into all that just makes me feel tired, which is what I was aiming for anyway.

I guess I just hate loving things a lot because I'm a baby and it feels like crap to know someone else can hurt you so easily and probably will sometimes if they're having a bad day or whatever.